I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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