And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
