We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
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there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
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For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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