well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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