Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Randomize
