I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
