I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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