I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
