: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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