Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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