if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Randomize
