It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
