I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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