You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Define "chronic" masturbator.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Randomize
