i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
