im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
