Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
