i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
