My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
