Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
