she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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