I'm sorry my penis didn't work
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
