Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
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