That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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