My liver just broke up with me...
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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