When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
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So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
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When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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