she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
