He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
