Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
