please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
