I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
