My underwear smells like fireworks.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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