Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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