I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
