I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
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All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
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Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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