So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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