I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
