if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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