They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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