the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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