for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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