If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
