I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Randomize
