Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
