I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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