She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
