So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
