My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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