I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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