bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
