I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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