you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
