I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
