You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.