so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
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