o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
