maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
