I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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