you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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